Suit Up.

aI'll be honest with you. I'm not a perfect fiancee. I give terrible gifts. Awful, regrettable gifts. I can't recall the last time I cleaned my kitchen floor. I have, in the not too distant past, made Amanda watch a seven o' clock Liverpool game with me. I have even tried to get her to pretend to care.


But I have my good points! I wash dishes pretty regularly. On occassions, when I'm feeling particularly ambitious, I'll even make dinner. And, on the very rare days when I'm required to present myself to polite society, I can usually clean myself up and dress in a fairly respectable fashion.


So when Amanda asked me to write another wedding blog, I figured I'd help out with only the really worthwhile information I have stored inside my head that doesn't include the starting eleven of Liverpool's 2005 Champions League winning squad.* I thought I'd write a few tips for the guys out there who are looking a suit to look their best for the wedding. Because I care. And because Amanda won't watch another Liverpool game with me until I'm finished.




1 - The Fit Is Hard. The Fit Is Everything.


Buying a suit isn't easy. Most of us have absolutely no idea what we're doing. They all look a little bit alike, and they're almost unbelievably expensive. And, unless you're lucky enough to be an actively playing cornerback in the NFL, they are unlikely to fit you straight off the rack.
Don't believe me? Go to nordstrom.com. Click on the search box. Type in "42R". This is a pretty popular suit size. Count how many results you get.


Now type in 38L. I wear a 38L. How many do you have now, sucker?


I know. This is why I drink.


But we digress.


The point of this is not to depress you. The point is that no one gets the suit they want straight off the rack. The same goes for men's dress shirts, which are made by a secret cabal of easily annoyed Frenchmen and universally have sleeves two sizes too small.


So take a deep breath, and find a tailor. It's easier, and cheaper, than you think! And it the difference between a suit that fits you and a suit that looks like it was made for you.  Not a bad deal for about fifty bucks.


2 - Cheap Isn't Worth It


I am not a snobbish guy. Frankly, if I could convince WalMart to open a store in my living room, I would be a deeply satisfied human being. But the nasty, horrible, inconvenient truth of men's formal wear is this: You can tell when it's cheap.


Your wives and girlfriends will probably scoff at this, but it is almost universally more expensive to be a well-dressed man than a well-coiffered woman. And what's worse, cheap suits don't hold their shape well. They start to look a bit like you've wandered into your father's closet to dress yourself to work. It's not a good look for a guy.


And sure, you might look fine. But you don't want to look fine. You want to look like Matthew McConaughey, only with moderately better sex appeal. You want to look good enough that, if you were to happen to hang out in a bar with James Bond, and you and James met some women, they would later refer to you as, "James Bond’s much better-looking friend."


If all of this seems hard, don't worry. You know the best part? You don't have to pick it out yourself. Stores like Nordstrom pay a small army of sweaty, desperate, barely employable college graduates who would love to help you pick something out. They have better taste than you, they are more fashionable than you, and they work on commission, which pretty much guarantees they'd like to help you pick out something nice.  So go ahead. Leave this stuff to the professionals.


Which brings us to my third, and most important, point.


3 - It Is Not All Right To Let Your Wife Tie Your Tie


Sweet fancy Moses, man. I cannot count the number of people I've met, from highly skilled construction workers to ACTUAL NUCLEAR SCIENTISTS, who cannot manage a simple four-in-hand. I have met professional sailors, people who will voluntarily pilot a ten-foot skiff across the Pacific Ocean with a butter knife and a spool of bailing twine, who cannot face down a double windsor. I have spoken to rock climbers who trust their knot tying abilities to strap their bodies to the face of inverted cliff faces at heights that seriously endanger passing airplanes, who balk at the site of a double-knot. It boggles the bloody mind.


Man up, men. Teach yourself on Google. Download the app. Because, honestly, the only time someone should ever tie your tie for you is if you are five, or if you are currently being prepared for your funeral. Other than that, it's up to you.


*Dudek, Finnan, Carragher, Hyypia, Traore, Alonso, Garcia, Gerrard, Risse, Kewell, Baros. In case you were wondering.